Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly,
a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may
I grant you one wish?"
"Hey, bitch. Don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman givin' me
nuthin," barked Bin Laden.
The genie pleaded, "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to this bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience of it all,
he said "Okay, okay, I wanna wake up with three white women in my bed
in the morning, so just do it!"
Giving the genie an evil glare, he screamed, "Now leave me alone, woman!"
The annoyed genie said "So be it!" and disappeared back into the
bottle.
The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding,
and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken, and he had no
health insurance.
American Holiday
Osama bin Laden goes to a psychic who says "You will die on an American
holiday" Needless to say bin Laden is shocked. "Which one?"
he asks. "Doesn't matter", says the psychic. "Whatever day
you die will become an American holiday."
True Religion
There was a competition for the real religion: Christianity, Buddhism, or
Islam. Bush represented the Christians, Ghandi the Buddhists, and Bin Laden
the Muslims.
They were asked to jump from the top of a 100 story building. Whoever survived
represented the REAL religion. So Bush jumps off and in the air he makes the
sign of the cross several times and smashes down to the ground.
Next comes Ghandi. In the air he repeats "buddha buddha buddha"
he lands safely in the ground.
Everyone is cheering and everyone wants to convert to Buddhism.
The last jumper... Bin Laden. He jumps in the air repeating "God is great
and God is one" several times. 100 yards from the ground, Bin Laden looks
down and suddenly yells "BUDDHA BUDDHA BUDDHA!!!"
Passing the Blame...
We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers
for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our
own problems. Here's a small list...
If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while
driving, she blames the restaurant.
If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors, you blame
the rock'n'roll music or musician he liked.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your
family blames the tobacco company.
If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school
for poor sex education.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame
the bartender.
If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin
was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots
at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased
blames the airline.
I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore... So if I
die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending
you this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?
Osama in Heaven
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly
gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" says Washington,
slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans'
liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.
James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal
government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight
on Osama's knee.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people
who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground,
Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is
to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams
- "this is not what I was promised!"
An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for
you...
What the hell did you think I said?
Mujaheddin on a Mine Field
Afghanistan... A Mujaheddin is walking across a field behind his wife who
is leading the way.
A man yells at him from the road, "Have you no shame? A Muslim's wife
must walk five steps behind her husband, not in the front! You must be a bad
Muslim!"
The Mujaheddin answers, "I am a good Muslim, but I'm not crazy! This
is a mine field..."
If we capture Osama
Killing Osama Bin Laden will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will
inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.
So the Secret Service must capture him and have surgeons perform a complete
sex change operation.
Then we return "her" to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the
Shariah.
Late Nite Jokes heard on T.V.
"There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks
the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who
wears Bounty on his head."
- Jay Leno
"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday
one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the
daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany
Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are
living in separate caves."
- David Letterman
"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think
that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos
actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard."
- David Letterman
"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we
have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan.
We'll taste your food, you check our mail."
- Jay Leno
"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished
fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot
of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name
changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan,
Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan."
- Jay Leno
"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick
Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where
did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo."
- Jay Leno
"We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden.
Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden
had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his
childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis."
- Jay Leno
"There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel
persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to
feel like a woman in their country."
- Jay Leno
The Taliban's Fall TV Line-up
MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "Bowling For Food"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionare"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
Help from Canada
PRESS RELEASE:
Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary
President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th
with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister
Chretien issued the following statement:
CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM!
WE HAVE PLEDGED:
- 2 BATTLE SHIPS,
- 600 GROUND TROOPS,
- 6 FIGHTER JETS.
AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH:
- 2 CANOES,
- 6 MOUNTIES,
- AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS
Demonstrate against terrorism!
The Leaders of the world are asking for your support to combat terrorism
and we're encouraging to demonstrate against them this Friday at 15:00 hours.
It is a well-known fact that the Taliban are against alcohol consumption and
think it is sinful to look at a naked woman. Therefore, at 15:00 this Friday,
women should run naked through the office while men chase them with a beer
in their hands. This is the best way to show our disgust for the Taliban and
will hopefully help us in detecting the terrorists among us (anybody who doesn't
do as proposed will be deemed a terrorist and denounced to the World).
Your efforts are much appreciated in the name of a free, democratic world.
It is time to stand up and to act!!
Top 21 Anagrams for Osama Bin Laden
21. Sane Oilman Bad
20. I bona leadsman
19. Nasal Nomad Be I
18. Be a Slain Nomad
17. A bend lama son
16. Albania's Demon
15. A lesbian nomad
14. Alias "Boned Man"
13. So I anal bad men
12. And I blame a son
11. No Asian bedlam
10. I.D.: Mean Anal S.O.B.
9. I, a sad nobleman
8. A slain abdomen
7. I'm so banal, Edna
6. I model bananas
5. A mob, insane lad
4. Is a lone, bad man
3. Do a samba, Lenin
2. I'm Dole bananas
1. Abandon E-mails
Open Sesame
After years of traveling around the world in his search, the wicked Wizard
finally discovered the enchanted cave in which he believed lay the magic lamp
which would make him millions.
He stood before the boulders which sealed the cave, and uttered the magic
words, "Open sesame!"
There was a silence, and then a ghastly voice from within moaned, "Open
says-a-who?"
Americans & Iraqis
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their
surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a
ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled
American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely
alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what
had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed
to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked
him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled,
lying piece of trash!" He looked me right in the eye and shouted back,
"Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!"
"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
A thirsty Arab
An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source
of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through
the sands, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden
he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that it was
a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left
in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have
three wishes."
"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going
to trust a genie!"
"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And
he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white
and surrounded by beautiful women."
***POOF***
The Arab is turned into a Tampax.
The MORAL of the story is:
Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached.
Two assholes
Osama bin Laden and Mulla Omar were riding on a camel. At some point Bin
Laden gets off the camel, lifts up its tail, and stares at the camel's butt.
Mulla Omar comes over and says, "What are you doing?"
Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at
the two assholes on that camel.'"
Suicidal Bombers
Why are radical terrorists so quick to commit suicide? Let's look at their
lifestyle:
No premarital sex.
No oral sex. Giving or receiving. Never.
No booze. None.
No TV. No cable TV.
No Spice channel. No Playboy channel.
No Hooters. "What is this Hooters of which you speak?"
No organized sports of any kind. That's right - no sports.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils.
Women have to cover up everything!
Very, very, very few cars. Camels. Many camels.
Sand. Sand everywhere! More sand?
Ever fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats.
Bar-B-Q's are cooked over burning camel dung chips.
Eating with your right hand only -- because you wipe your ass with your left
hand.
Constant wailing from the asshole next door... No wait, is that music? Shit!
I can't tell.
Oh, by the way, when you die it all gets better!
Top Ten Ways to Get Osama Out of His Cave
10. Disconnect his cable
9. Send phony recall notice from his turban manufacturer
8. One of our special forces guys sneaks in and pulls the fire alarm
7. Announce "Mr. Beard" pageant being held down the street
6. CIA puts growth hormone in his food so after a couple days the cave is
too small
5. Offer free trial prescription for social anxiety disorder medication Paxil
4. Fake postcard from Mullah Omar in Las Vegas reading "This place is
awesome, dude!"
3. Free pie -- I don't care who you are, you're not gonna turn down free pie
2. In local paper, advertise weapons of mass destruction sale at Kabul Wal-Mart
1. Send sexy bearded woman to cave asking directions
osama:/bin/login
After much careful detective work, the FBI has determined that the recent
"distributed denial-of-service" attacks were perpetrated by the
well-known cyber-terrorist... osama:/bin/login.
Comparative Studies of Religion
TAOISM: Shit Happens, so flow with it.
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen
properly.
BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isn't really happening to anyone.
HINDUISM: This shit happening is you.
PROTESTANTISM: If shit happens, praise the Lord for it!
JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to me?
ISLAM: Shit happening is Allah's Will.
EXISTENTIALISM: Shit happening is absurd!
ZEN: What is the sound of shit happening?
RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit!
Cows in Politics
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to
your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for
being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you
to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take
the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you
with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the
milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to
the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who
has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull and
build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them
both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk
down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other
to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
an eleventh the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live
for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. you count them
again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you're not sure where
they are. You'll look for them tomorrow.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You
charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership
with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation
declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
A TALIBAN ORGANIZATION: You have two cows. You load them up with explosives
and herd them onto your neighbor's property where you blow them up. Your neighbor
dies. You starve to death.
A POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed
and killed attempting to milk them.
Very Short Books
1. A Guide to Arab Democracies
2. A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4. Career Opportunities for History Majors
5. Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6. Detroit - A Travel Guide
7. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9. Easy UNIX
10. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
11. Everything Men Know About Women
12. French Hospitality
13. Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
17. Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
18. Popular Lawyers
19. Staple Your Way to Success
20. The Amish Phone Book
100 Camels for Wife
US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East.
An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you 100 camels for
your woman."
After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."
The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"
The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels
back home."
NEW YORK ... Year 2032
A man is walking down the streets of Manhattan with his kid. All of a
sudden they stop in front of a park, and the man comments to his son...
"Just think, not too long ago the Twin Towers used to be here..."
So the son asks him with an intrigued look in his face..."Dad, what were
the
Twin Towers?".
"They were two very tall buildings with lots of offices, but 31 years
ago a
bunch of terrorists from the middle east crashed a plane into each one and
they collapsed".
"Dad, what was the middle east?"
WAYS TO ANNOY OSAMA BIN LADEN
o Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
o Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound
a lot like a B-52?"
o Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite
chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
o Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely
everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
o Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires
and leave it off the hook.
o Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
o Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine
subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not,
under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
o Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
o Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
o Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and
the City" for weeks.
o Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
o Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when
he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Mohammed Rafi.
Mine his bathroom.
o Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
o Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.AmIhotOrNot.com
o Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post
these on www.AmIhotOrNot.com
o Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
o Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own
paradise you'll get to "kick his ass every day for eternity".
o Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden".
o Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
o Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much
nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
o At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
o Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
o Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser
pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
o Tell him that this is the worst pyjama party you've ever attended.
o Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
o Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
o Complement him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies
would be a nice accent.
o Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age,
or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
o Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people
of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong
enough to knock the crap out of him.
o Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.
o Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely
Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
o Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks
you might fit in this glass!"
o Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
o They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan,
so give away the secret of who's having a baby on Friends.
o Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
o Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether
they've ever thought of modelling.
o Ask him, "say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?"
just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
o Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie". If there's actually
still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".
o Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges
interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow
up his hotels.
o Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul
and Ivan.
o When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"
The trick to get the camel to drink
Ahmed and Mohammed are driving their camel across the desert. They reach
an oasis and drink the water but the camel won't drink. At the second oasis
the camel won't drink again. That's a bad sign. They reach one more oasis
and start to work on getting the camel to drink. They curse and beat the camel
with sticks but he still won't drink.
Finally, Mohammed tells Ahmed: "I know just the right trick. I'll grab
his ears and push his head down into the water. You go around the back and
suck." Ahmed agrees. After a few minutes Mohammed asks Ahmed: "How
are things coming back there?" Abdul replies: "I think you have
his head too low, all I'm getting is mud!"
